V40: And so it wins!

[Cornishv40]

Love it! So funny

[chomerly]

Lol, this is such an amusing story.

Right.
Spanner110, you're roughly 63 miles or so (route dependant) from me so I'll make some arrangements to come over to you with my obd2 device and laptop.
Hopefully I can point you in the right direction of why your car is playing up.

I'll contact you again when I'm able to get over to you.

[RiPsTa33]

Brilliant, i wish you were closer to me so i could have a play with her because she sounds like a right tease

[spanner110]

Originally Posted by chomerly

Lol, this is such an amusing story.

Right.
Spanner110, you're roughly 63 miles or so (route dependant) from me so I'll make some arrangements to come over to you with my obd2 device and laptop.
Hopefully I can point you in the right direction of why your car is playing up.

I'll contact you again when I'm able to get over to you.

Cheers! I like the sound of this because Fat Tony's planning on coming over with his tie downs and chains, to strap PUSS firmly down on a flat bed.....With a laptop coupling we have the makings of a plug in PUSS and play day. Let's just hope she doesn't go viral. I can see this is going to cost me some pies.
To be honest I am genuinely interested in finding out what is wrong (she still has to go though but at least it might save someone some grief by having a proper diagnosis done)

[Dog_Book]

Originally Posted by spanner110

Cheers! I like the sound of this because Fat Tony's planning on coming over with his tie downs and chains, to strap PUSS firmly down on a flat bed.....With a laptop coupling we have the makings of a plug in PUSS and play day. Let's just hope she doesn't go viral. I can see this is going to cost me some pies.
To be honest I am genuinely interested in finding out what is wrong (she still has to go though but at least it might save someone some grief by having a proper diagnosis done)

Sounds like you've had a Father Ted experience here..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mdwAkWvWMw

[chomerly]

lmfao. class.

[jpskiller]

brilliant, don't know whether to feel sorry for next owner or happy if they enjoy a challenge.

Had something similar with my old merc 190e with its intermittent starting / cutting out issue (doing it for just over 1year with various bits changed), until last week when it decided to go bang whilst the wife was driving and has now gone to the car scrapyard in heaven, which has now brought me into the Volvo owners club.

P.S it too had a wing mirror take a hike at speed and also a bit of the front side body kit disappeared on way home down the motorway!

[spanner110]

Originally Posted by Dog_Book

Sounds like you've had a Father Ted experience here..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mdwAkWvWMw

That is fecking brilliant, it sums up me and PUSS beautifully. I have tears of joy running down the inside of my leg now.....

[Robmac999]

Just to say a big 'thank you' for what is one of the best threads I've read.
For perseverance alone you should get a star. The updated posts are a bit like watching a good serial on tv, you don't know what's coming but you know it'll be worth waiting for.
Please buy another x40, you know you want to really, and I think all your readers want you to.
Cheers

[spanner110]

Well it's month 5 in the spanner house... and after what seems like an eternity of arse dragging, false starts, no starts, ribbing and general all round shambles, there's been a slight development.

Mrsspanners' demand for action has been hammered out loud and clear; actually she has been niggling away since the 'speed trial incident' where the wing mirror committed hari kari in protest at being associated with the embarrassing antics of our PUSS.

To update you on that particular matter, Willing Helper (WH) was as good as his word in taking a detour to Halfrauds to procure a suitable replacement. The events of which were relayed to my good self, partly by telephonic means at the time and later in the 'slaughtered lamb'.

Upon his arrival at said Halfrauds, WH was accosted by a spotty young fellow, whom according to WH, could have been on work experience.. or life had just been very kind. In any case WH confessed to looking around to find the appropriate adult chaperone. 'Spotty' had clearly assigned himself to the role of WH's personal assistant for the duration of the shopping foray. The replacement wing mirror glass was mentioned and spotty duly propelled WH in the direction of what was described as the 'tat rack' of auto jumble and other assorted vacuum sealed reject goods. Now WH is a sensible trustworthy chap when it comes to spending other peoples money so he requested spotty's input for recommendations within the £3-7 price bracket and that which would be suitable for a Volvo V40...the mere mention of the 'V' word made spotty's pustule encrusted mush light up with amusement, which was when WH made his first mistake in trying to convince 'pizza face' that he was making the purchase on behalf of his friend, Moi'. This seemed only to encourage the acne ridden assistant to try his hand at stand up comedy who proceeded to make various ill advised jibes about flat caps and roof racks; he shut up abruptly when WH picked up a packet of cable ties, 5 ltrs of screenwash a coil of rubber hose and asked if he fancied a game of doctors and nurses....
From that exchange it rapidly transpired that of the 17 various types of mirror glass none was to be found under a tenner, which was when I received the phone call from WH seeking permission to raise the 'credit limit'. I asked to speak to spotty personally which turned out to be a futile move because I couldn't work out where he was on the evolutionary chain, it was a little bit more advanced than amoeba but not much before cretin. From the series of sniffs, grunts, yeh's, uuuh's and naah's I was able to decipher the coded message that was as follows " I'm awfully sorry sir, the mirror glass you require is out of stock, we can order one for you but it will arrive next week, the price.....£18.75 + VAT, shall I order..... I see.... as you wish sir, no problem." Needless to say I added many anglo saxon words to spotty's vocabularic repertoire in that moment. WH hurriedly left the store empty handed, face reddened with the shame of being mistaken for a Volvo owner and sought sanctuary in a nearby McDonalds where he consoled himself with a Mcpuke meal and Strawberry phlegm-shake.

At this point in time a tentative agreement had been brokered between fat tony and myself to relocate PUSS to pastures new, in a land far away in feck knows where. Our brave 'legitimate businessman' was planning on introducing PUSS to the delights of black leather interiors (I can't wait to meet him cos he sounds like a fun guy to know) but regrettably this did not occur because of the intrusions of work related stuff for fat tony, which by all accounts also buggered up his holiday.

So, the week before last PUSS was still residing in front of our house with all the kerb appeal of a council wheelie bin; her back tyres had once again suffered severe contraction of the lower radius and she was now also sporting several impacts from various avian anal evacuations. WH and I had hatched a cunning plan to levitate the untaxed, uninsured and SORNed PUSS to the scrapyard 14 miles away that weekend, under the cover of darkness. OK we hadn't worked out the fine details but suggestions out of the hat included the improbable, impossible, mischeivious and machiavellian. But.....

The turning point came on the evening of Wednesday May 1st. I was parked up outside the local Co-op when a silver car pulled up on the opposite side of the street, the front passenger door opened and out fell no less than Gordon of the Garage. I say 'fell' but I can't swear he wasn't shunted out by the lady driver who didn't look overly amused. G of the G was clearly having his strings pulled by 'Mr Jack Daniels' so I wasn't in the least bit surprised that Mrs G. simply pulled away from the kerb at speed, with the passenger door still open. I was impressed to see how she closed it, with astute employment of Newtons third law - a well practised, sharp left hand swerve 20 yards further down the street. Top marks to Mrs G! By this time G of the G had scraped himself upright and was crabbing across the road towards me. As there is no hiding place in a Land Rover pick-up, I had no option than to humour him and engage in diplomatic small talk which was difficult because I was still miffed that he once promised to sell me a cheap Pug 102 which he then took to the scrappers on the very morning we had agreed I'd go round to collect it G of the G's weakness is picking up bargains.... so I took his current alcohol tolerance status into consideration, factored in his afformentioned weakness and threw in a good measure of bare faced cheek...then shamelessly stitched him up like a kipper. How could he possibly resist the lure of a mint condition V40 estate; well he couldn't and didn't, 30 seconds later we shook hands on the deal (which round these parts is legally binding) In that moment PUSS's life was over, being owned by G of the G is not a good place to be if you are a car, especially as he is known locally as Mr Carmageddon (he is to cars what Margaret Thatcher was to the mining industry).

Thus it came to pass that the next day whilst I was at work, PUSS was spirited away to Gordons dungeon of despair, but only after mrsspanner had apparently cornered him and levered the £300 out of his back pocket. I was oblivious to this final twist in the tale until I returned in the evening. I thought we had agreed £200 but I know better than to ask for details. Oddly, no trace of Gordon or PUSS has been seen since....and yesterday a 'For Sale' sign appeared outside his house.