Finally managed to get some garage time today, and wellll... things don't look so good overall.
On the creaking suspension/funky steering side of things I went through the steering mechanism from column to rack and could find no play or creaking items. So that's good at least.
Used the old screwdriver to the ear check whilst someone else turned the wheel and I'm about 75% certain it's coming from the strut somewhere and reverberating through the chassis to make it louder inside. Interestingly only starts doing it when the car has warmed up... When it's cold it doesn't.
Of more concern is the water usage. I went through all the cooling system, heater matrix, etc. and found no leaks. There is this though:
https://youtu.be/yl-pKs_9J3g
On the bright side I guess I can hire it out for when they choose a new pope.
Edit: That was just after a motorway run, so everything was hot as well.